Manny, here's the deal

It's time to make an offer for Manny.
Reporters have been suggesting the Yankees need Manny, but that makes no sense. After all, what does Manny bring to a team? To summerize Scott Boras, Manny is one of those players who transcends the game. He's not just a bat and a (ahem) glove. He's a magnate who brings fannys to seats.
So how does that help the Yankees (or the Red Sox, for that matter)? They already have more fannys than seats, no matter how high they make the prices.
The Dodgers, though. They have seats, so Manny would be a fit there. That's also where he is likely to end up for a number of reasons, but ignoring that liklihood, another team comes to mind -- yes, the Pirates.
Do we have seats? Of course we do. Someone who can do math could probably tell us what the average attendance has been for the last two or three years. Whatever the number, there are plenty of empty seats to fill. So it's time to make a deal with Manny . . . and here it is --
Manny needs something to tide him over until the economic market rebounds, so one year would make sense. He also needs a few dollars guaranteed to make ends meet day to day. I suggest a million for that. Boras no doubt will try to raise that to five million, but NH should stand firm. Beyond that, a performance bonus entirely. Manny gets twenty-five dollars a person for every fanny over that average for the last few years (average it over two or three, take your pick).
This is a true performance bonus. Who cares if he hits fifty home runs or makes the All Star team? The test is fannys in the seats. If he jacks attendence by a million people he gets his twenty-five million dollar year (and the base salary tossed in as icing on the cake). He's also established his value for next year when hopefully times are better and a professional athlete can get a multi-year contract at a living wage.
And for us, we get NH's power bat for the outfield, more concession sales, and plenty of cars in the parking lot.
So it's time to make this deal.